It seems to be inevitable for all mothers, especially the stay at home, homeschooling, husbands work away kind.
I know it is a reoccurring theme in my life.
How do I find time for myself?
How do I carve out a moment (or 10) each day, week, or month to do something unabated, of my choosing, spontaneous and child free.
To turn off, remove the mommy hat and be carefree, if only for a short time.
I never want to escape or trade in what I have so strongly built, but I believe to be a better mom I need a bit of "me" time.
More than just a relaxing bath at the days end, when the house is quiet and no one is yelling at me.
Although that is definitely appreciated, I am talking about the kind of time where I get to reflect, possibly re-create the things that have slipped away since having kids, talk with adults maybe even stay out late.
Or maybe even have a date with my hubby, wow that would be something.
Over the years I have struggled, and have had anxiety over my inability to make plans, have anything scheduled for myself etc. This comes with J's job and has always been a part of our lives.
I have to have the kids in tow for every appointment, for every visit, for every trip to the store.
It is easy and fine most of the time, but lately I have had a carrot dangled in front of me and like a kid given an inch, I took a mile.
In the last year J has been working from home with his position change at work, it requires more time on the job but he is super flexible which allows me to get time in when I need.
I have taken full advantage.
The reality of this came on full force this week as J's job has taken him away and I have not been able to do what I have so suddenly gotten quite used too.
I have felt a bit of resentment and a tad angry, more at myself than anyone.
I got so comfortable with my away time I forgot how to reign it in.
I now feel guilty a bit!
I feel guilty for having so much me time?
So as this evening drew near and derby practice scheduled for 5:30, I knew I would have to accept that it wouldn't be possible tonight with 2 girls who are at their most difficult stage ever.
I had to suck it up and feel the guilt of letting the team down.
Then my dear neighbour stopped in.
Looking glum he said he was having trouble.
No joke...he says to me....
He couldn't find time for himself.
His wife is increasingly reliant on him as the years go by and he feels trapped.
I had to laugh, and thankfully he is good natured, because I said there's not much hope for me because I feel that way today too and if he is 78 and me 35, well....
We had a good chuckle.
Then he added his brother died today, and that he has had a dream about his own death last night.
He worries about his wife when he is gone.
Oh God!!! These are huge feelings.
I want to cry and hug him and tell him everything will be okay.
But I can't tell him that.
He is in that stage in life that we never really think about, we actually avoid at all costs.
He trusts me enough to wonder over and chat to me about all his thoughts.
This gives me some great insights and he says he loves my young spirit.
We chatted, we hugged and he left.
I had to think.
I grabbed my sewing kit and sat down with the girls and cherished the moment.
We found some fabric with Russian dolls on it and we made cheater stuffies.
The girls stuffed and sewed them up.
Sewn with love and quiet, by the fire time.
Time that I got to take off the mommy hat, sit back and reflect on the things that I love to do.
I got to teach, share and relax.
No one yelled at me and I still have my bath to look forward to later.
Plus we now have a handful of cute little dolls to play with.
Time well spent if you ask me.
I even finished up these cutie patooties I found over at moonstiches.
First try at winging the pattern, next batch I think will be worthy of little Christmas gifts.